This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize