i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
