Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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