I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's blow job season.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
