I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
