I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
