I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
