OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize