It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
