Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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