dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
