Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
