Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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