There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
