i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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