question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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