Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize