he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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