What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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