I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
