lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Randomize
