He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
