sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize