Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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