I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
dude. I can hear the air.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
