Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
