I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
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