He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
