you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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