im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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