are you still at the devil's house?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
