we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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