I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
