I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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