Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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