2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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