Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
