I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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