Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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