Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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