She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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