new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize