I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
