The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
