Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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