This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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