do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
