I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
