You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
