the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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