My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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