so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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