I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
