so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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