I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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