hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
