Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
