remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize