i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
