I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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