A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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