I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
