goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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