3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
