Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
my phone needs a breathalizer
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
