She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
